1. Capitalize – If you don’t have the simple time to press “shift” every now and again, then how can she be sure you’d make time for the little things in a relationship? Your very, very first impression is the first letter of the first word of your first sentence, so make sure that letter is banging.

2. Start a New Thought With a New Paragraph – It’s important to know when something has come to its end and it is time to move onto greener pastures elsewhere. Telegraph your ability to look at the big picture and use white space. Some girls might be turned off by what they see as a noncommittal attitude, but the right one will appreciate your foresight.

3. “Haha” and “LOL” – Don’t even get me started.

4. Emoticons – In the early game of love, few secret weapons are more potent than keeping each other guessing. When you type out your emoticon, you’re just emptying your gun of all its bullets, like a fool. Come on, guys. It’s called allure and women have it in spades, so make sure you come equipped. Were you smiling? Does that really make you sad? Is your tongue actually sort of sticking out the side of your mouth? I’ll grant that emoticons have their use between friends, but upfront, play your cards closer to your chest.

5. Exclamation Points – It’s hard to think of a time when exclamation points would actually be appropriate in online writing. I’m not necessarily saying that an appropriate situation couldn’t arise, just that I’m having a hard time thinking of how it would happen. If you’re considering using one yourself, just remember that this is like your first date. So, think to yourself, if we were at dinner together, would I actually scream this?

And there you go. Five simple rules, but your new, exciting life of romantic adventure awaits their implementation. The old days of being a sad, boring, non-capitalizing man-child are behind you. Look at you now! Typing like an adult. What woman could resist? Keep me updated with any success stories or add a few rules of your own to the list. Oh, and ladies, you can chime in too. The Guy’s Guide to Sexy Grammar goes both ways.