A handy breakdown of the different types of Christians. Please let me know of any I missed, but I don’t think I missed any. This is a definitive ranking. 

11. The Wet Blanket

Examples: John Lithgow, Footloose; Margaret, Carrie; Organ Lady, Edward Scissorhands

Key Dialogue: “No son/daughter of mine will be allowed to go a dance or some such nonsense. Now I am going to lock you in a closet while you pray for the Lord to forgive your sinful heart.”

10. The Diabolical Hypocrite

Examples: Warden Norton, Shawshank Redemption; Frollo, The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Key Dialog: “That. Creature. Is not. Of God’s. Creation.” *Said to golden-hearted prostitute he has slept with many times*

9. The Spineless Spaz

(Screaming internally)

Examples: Bob, The Big Kahuna; Arthur, The Scarlet Letter

Key Dialogue: Crying

8. The Saintly Ingenue

Examples: Lila Garity, Friday Night Lights, Jamie, A Walk to Remember

Key Dialogue: “Maybe God has a bigger plan for me than I had for myself. Like this journey never ends. Like you were sent to me because I’m sick. To help me through all this. You’re my angel.”

7. The Evil Nun

Mwahahaha

Examples: Psycho 3, The Orphanage, To the Devil a Daughter, American Horror Story: Asylum

Key Dialogue: “Now you shall finally be in peace. Or, should I say …” *pulls out axe from under habit* “In pieces!”

6. Mel Gibson

Off to go tell people about Jesus.

Examples: Mel Gibson, Braveheart; Mel Gibson, The Patriot; Sam, Machine Gun Preacher

Key Dialogue: “Death to all who oppose me.”

5. The Adorable Pacifist

Examples: Shepherd Book, Firefly; Reverend Oliver, The Patriot

Key Dialogue: “There must be a better way, brothers and sisters!”

4. The Determined Do-Gooder

God said it. I believe it. That’s how I’m gonna win this race.

Examples: Eric Liddell, Chariots of Fire; Babbette, Babbette’s Feast; Jim Curring, Magnolia

Key Dialogue: “With God’s help, we can take down the company/rebuild the orphanage/beat the other team/get the package delivered on time/escape with the hostages!”

3. The Friendly Dork

Examples: Casey, The Mindy Project, Ned Flanders, The Simpsons; Sonya, Vanya on 42nd Street

Key Dialogue: “Hey-hiddley-ho!”

2. The Tortured Soul

Examples: Sonny, The Apostle; Lieutenant, Bad Lieutenant; Matt Murdock, Daredevil

Key Dialogue: “I may believe in God but, believe me [3 minute pause] I’m no saint.”

1. The Cool Nun

Examples: Sister Marie Claire, Sister Act; Sister Helen Prejean, Dead Man Walking; Maria, The Sound of Music

Key Dialogue: “Now you shall finally be in peace. Or, should I say…” *Pulls out jukebox playing “Message In a Bottle.”* “In The Police!”