Dear [REFUGEE NAME(S)]
Thank you for your interest in fleeing to [STATE]! As you are aware, our state is a rainbow of humanity, positively bursting with opportunities for the weary who wash up on our welcoming shores. Truly, the promise of America is made manifest nowhere as clearly as [STATE]!
We regret to inform you that we will be unable to accept your desperate gamble for safety and freedom at this time. We can imagine your disappointment at this news. But before you start getting all bent out of shape, look at it from our perspective.
The United States was founded upon one principle above all others: freedom and justice for all.
However, that’s not a principle we’re particularly interested in discussing in this letter, for reasons that aren’t worth getting into here. Another important principle of the American way of life is that you can’t trust anyone. Indeed, our nation’s first inhabitants—Native Americans—trusted our own ancestors to be kind and peaceable immigrants. Just look how that turned out.
Ever since then, the American people have been very cautious about who we allow to take part in the profound and revolutionary idea that “all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.”
Obviously, you can’t just let anyone in on that kind of deal. We know you’re not a terrorist. But what if you were? Some of you guys are, you know. The last thing we want in America are young, dangerous, mentally unstable men who are liable to start shooting at any moment. Horrible thought.
Put yourself in our position. What if it was your family that was potentially in danger, forced to keep checking over your back, never knowing if you were truly safe?
What if it was you who could never look your child in the face without knowing whether or not it was the last time?
Can you imagine that kind of life?
Surely, you would do everything in your power to keep your family away from such horrors. So you can understand why we are denying your request to live in [STATE]. The risk is just too high.
Again, thank you for your interest in fleeing wanton violence to [STATE]. We regret that we were unable to accept your bid for a better future at this time, but we assume you can understand our position and how in these troubled times, the only safe thing to do is send the tired, poor and huddled masses yearning to breathe free back to where they came from.
We’re sure that if our situations were reversed, you would do the same thing.
[NAME]
[SIGNATURE]
the unbearable lightness of huckabeing 
ashleyprigent
/ November 16, 2015is this satire? I sure hope that’s what this is. it sounds like something you would read on The Onion
tylerhuckabee
/ November 16, 2015This is definitely satire.
Joe
/ November 16, 2015Sigh….
Well, it’s (clearly) a dying art Tyler, but you do it well. Sharing.
Nope
/ November 16, 2015*woosh*
passiontransformed
/ November 16, 2015Sadly, there are many who would post this non-satirically… makes it tough to know for sure.
Brooke
/ November 17, 2015Great satire
nunya damn biz
/ November 17, 2015What if every single person in the USA fled to Syria right now, how would they feel? In my state, we would out weapon them too. Fuck their shit and ISIS hiding in their clan. Stay away. I don’t want to leave my house and wonder what lurks in every crowd. It’s already scary enough here with the damn illegals that are in this town.
Jessica
/ November 18, 2015Just saying, the majority of school shootings in the U.S. occur by white males who are citizens of the U.S. I have no reason to feel safe walking around my own campus. We’re in danger of dying by the hands of humans every single day… Whether you like it or not.
Madison
/ November 17, 2015They go through this everyday. You are just ignorant.
That Other Critic
/ November 17, 2015You know this post is satire, right?
Derek
/ November 17, 2015So why can we not write this letter to our Senator’s?
Coby DuBose
/ November 17, 2015I’m trying to figure out how dumb you have to be to not know this is satirical.
k
/ November 19, 2015its not totally dumb if you’ve never read any of his blog posts before and just click a link from Facebook. I’ve read similar and worse that are like this and NOT satire so i wasn’t even sure until the end.
and not to add to the already overflowing negative vibe of humanity on the internet, but i don’t understand why we just keep attacking each other for silly things.
johncalebpendleton
/ November 18, 2015Reblogged this on Recycled Kaleidoscope and commented:
The satire stings.
Charlotte
/ November 19, 2015I love satire, unfortunately this is so good it comes off as real. Satire or not, we need real examples of kindness now more than ever.
Jonathan
/ November 20, 2015Good work! You really hit the nail on the head 😉
Leslie Camacho
/ December 9, 2015The Trump campaign copy/pasted this into their official policy documents, didn’t even give Tyler authorship credit.